If you’re not a blogger or a keyword nerd, don’t worry — this is still just the story of one woman, a stubborn craft business, and a toxic relationship with a search engine.
These days, I find myself obsessing over slugs at 7am on a Tuesday — muttering, “Is this too long? Should I take out ‘a’? Wait… is that a rogue ‘-s-’? Please tell me I didn’t just earn another metaphorical wrist-slap.”
I used to think a slug was something you found in the garden and threw over the fence. (In case you’re wondering: in SEO, a “slug” is just the last bit of a web page link — and yes, Google has opinions about it.) Turns out, they have a homing instinct. Much like the SEO kind — no matter how far you try to fling them from your brain, they come crawling back at 2am whispering, 'Is your URL clean though?'
This is what SEO does to your brain. Or at least, it’s what it’s done to mine.
I Wasn’t Ready for This Life
When I started blogging for Watership Down Crafts, I thought I’d be writing about handmade things in a nice, relaxed way. Maybe share a few stories, link to a bag or two, and call it a day.
Instead, I now:
- See slugs in my dreams and judge them harshly
- Spend twenty minutes debating a blog title no one will ever read
- Feel a ridiculous sense of achievement when a tote bag link fits like it belongs
- Live in mild fear of upsetting Google.
Google Is Basically Like Trying to Please a Narcissist With a God Complex
It wants everything just right. Short sentences. Natural keyword flow — but not too many. How many is too many? Google knows, of course, but prefers to keep it a secret. Internal links? Three per post, maybe four? That depends on whether it’s Thursday, if the wind’s blowing from the east, or if there’s a slight chance of rain. Meta descriptions must be perfectly balanced — not too vague, not too obvious, and ideally delivered in 155 characters of quiet desperation. Alt text needs to be helpful, but not too helpful. And external links must be reputable, relevant, and — heaven forbid — never, ever competitive.
And if you get it wrong? Google doesn’t warn you — it just quietly removes you from existence.
It’s basically the teacher’s pet with a dark side — the one who changes the rules, sets you up to fail, then stands there smirking while you get detention for breathing too loud.
No traffic. No ranking. No explanation. Just... nothing. Maybe a bit of side-eye from Analytics. And if you really mess it up, it de-indexes your page like it never existed.
Trying to Please Google is Like Apologising for a Crime You Didn’t Know You Committed
Every post has to:
- Be useful — genuinely helpful, not just keyword-fluff with a pretty header.
- Be optimised — but casually, like you weren’t really trying (even though you rewrote it six times).
- Include links — not too few, not too many, and never the wrong kind in the wrong spot with the wrong anchor text (obviously).
- And slugs? Slugs must be pristine. No stop words. No filler. Shorter than a polite text to someone you secretly hate. Cleaner than your mum’s kitchen floor the day before guests come round.
Linking is where it gets personal
I recently found myself frantically removing all the internal links between my notebook covers blog posts at midnight, knowing I wouldn’t sleep for fear of waking up to Google wielding a big stick. I’m not joking — I actually woke up at 5am in a blind panic when I remembered I’d interlinked all 50 of my tote bag posts too! The gains from interlinking are apparently far less than the punishment if you get it wrong. And let’s just say, I am very motivated to avoid punishment.
So now, it’s two collection links, one external — and I steer well clear of linking to other blog posts. I like to sleep at night. No circles. No overlinking. No angry algorithm gods.
And I do all this knowing full well it may never rank because someone somewhere once used the word “in” in a slug and now Google’s traumatised.
But… It’s Working
Blogging for SEO — especially when you’re more creative than code-minded — feels a bit like being dropped into an escape room with no clues and a ticking clock that sniggers every time you miss a call to action.
I think it’s working. My average position is very slowly crawling up the ranks — and yes, it’s more tortoise than hare, with the occasional detour through a hedge.
People I’ve never met are landing on my site. They’re searching for tablet sleeves, tote bags, notebook covers — and not only are they finding me, but some of them are actually sticking around — and I’m even getting the odd order — which is either a good sign, or a clerical error. I’m not entirely convinced Google didn’t mean to send them elsewhere.
And if all it takes is following the rules — or whatever vague guidance Google’s serving this month — then fine. I’ll keep navigating the chaos with one eye on Analytics and the other bracing to be booted off the rankings for reasons no one will ever explain.
In Summary
SEO has rewired my brain. Google is still a bit of a sadist. Turns out, sticking to the plan and stopping the faffing was the right move all along. I know. I’m as surprised as anyone. (Just don’t tell anyone I admitted that.)
